


Will You Redeem My Life Again?

by blueblack-poked-stars (delicate_mageflower)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Colonist (Mass Effect), Crew as Family, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 22:04:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11389329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delicate_mageflower/pseuds/blueblack-poked-stars
Summary: They weren't expecting to find each other. They weren't expecting any of this.Little snippets of brewing attraction between Kaidan and Shepard throughout ME1.





	Will You Redeem My Life Again?

**Author's Note:**

> Starring my canon Carrie Shepard: human disaster.
> 
> Title from ["M4, Pt. II" by Faunts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MQ_DNklrFo), the song featured in ME1's end credits as well as an absolutely perfect Shenko theme.

“We’ve got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love,” Carrie Shepard muses, looking over the incredible scope of the Citadel for the first time with Kaidan and Ashley. “According to the old vids, we have everything they want.”

Kaidan laughs softly. “When you put it that way, there’s no reason they wouldn’t like you.”

Shepard and Ashley both glance his way, and he quickly realizes what he’s said.

“I mean, _us,”_ he continues, vaguely embarrassed. “Humans. Ma’am.”

“You don’t take much shore leave, do you, LT?” Ashley teases. All three of them are very aware of what just happened, but for some reason all three of them seem to be in a rush to pretend it was something it wasn’t, to pretend it was something _less._

“Alright, laugh it up, Chief,” Shepard adds in a bit of a sarcastic tone for good measure. She doesn’t quite drop it, though. She doesn’t want to. “I appreciate the thought, Alenko, but we’re on duty here.”

That was professional enough, but it certainly wasn’t an “I’m not flattered,” much less an “I’m not interested.” She can only hope he understands how carefully she worded her response, how very deliberate that was.

Kaidan looks at her, his eyes unfocused, still mildly horrified by his own slip-up, but he thinks he’s reading her correctly, and that perhaps this wasn’t such a mistake, after all. “Umm, aye, aye, ma’am.”

There’s another awkward pause wherein neither Kaidan nor Shepard know what to say, and Ashley takes it upon herself to break it. “I’ll walk drag, ma’am.”

The three of them get back to it at that, and not one of them speaks of it again, but they _know._

And this is only the beginning.

Of course, there are regs against fraternization. Shepard is his commanding officer, and who knows how much red tape stands between them if there truly is something there, if that something were to become real.

She can’t get that moment out of her head, though. Such an innocent slip of the tongue, so sweet and…

“Oh fuck,” she whispers to herself under her breath. She hasn’t known Kaidan long, and she doesn’t yet know him very well, but there is _definitely_ a spark, and there has been since the moment they met. This shines it in a whole new light, though, and it’s difficult for her to wrap her head around it.

“I appreciate the thought, Alenko” might be what she’d said, but it was absolutely not how she’d wanted to respond.

She’s already struggling to form _those_ thoughts into words. She’s not sure she’s ever had a true romantic attraction to anyone before. She’s more the type to bury all of her feelings as far down as they can go, and she has been ever since the raid on Mindoir, if not before. Her immediate ideas were more akin to finding an empty bathroom stall in some fancy Citadel bar and taking him in with her, but Kaidan doesn’t seem the type. Stranger yet, she’s not sure she wants him to be.

Back on the Normandy, she thinks of how shaken he’d been by what happened with the Prothean beacon. It feels like _everything_ went wrong on Eden Prime, and he’d been just as affected by the whole of it as anyone else, but this was more than that. In this case, she had scared him, and it had felt _personal._

She likes him. She genuinely _likes_ him. And she’s pretty damn sure that he likes her.

At the same time, Kaidan is sitting on the bridge with Joker, watching the stars as they pass by.

“So, how are you and the Commander getting along?” Joker asks, and it’s not hard to predict where _this_ is going.

“Pretty well,” Kaidan answers a little too quickly, and even for as harmless of a response as it was, he once again feels the need to cover himself. “This is a good crew, and it’s an honor to be a part of it.”

“Yeah, okay,” Joker laughs. “So the sad puppy eyes are a standard part of service for you, Staff Lieutenant?”

“‘Sad puppy eyes,’ Joker?” Kaidan does not want to consider the possibility that he’s _that_ obvious.

“Yeah, you know,” Joker smiles. “It’s just like the old-timey romance vids or some shit. Ah, don’t worry, Kaidan, she makes ‘em, too.”

“I’m not sure that’s an appropriate way to talk about the Commander,” Kaidan responds, somewhat uncomfortably. Just for emphasis, he punctuates this statement with a firm, _“Flight Lieutenant.”_

He will not openly grin at Joker’s mention of Shepard looking at him the same way he’s apparently been looking at her (despite his best efforts at hiding it). He will not let Joker know how happy it makes him to hear that this attraction is evidently mutual. It _will_ help him sleep a little easier, however, to know that if he’s had to make an ass out of himself like this, it has not been in vain.

***

“I’m not the sort who does that kind of thing, Commander,” Kaidan tells Shepard after she makes a comment about how a group of bored and lonely teenagers would be expected to spend their free time. “Not lightly, anyway.”

This confirms her previous suspicions, and she cannot help but think about what exactly this revelation means about the way he looks at her, the way their general chatting is so easily moving into flirting. Kaidan discussing the traumatic experience of Brain Camp might not be the best time to integrate such an element, but…

It’s almost out of their control by now. They don’t think about it, it just _happens._

That didn’t take long.

He mentions a girl, Rahna, and it’s plain as day that he cared for her deeply, perhaps even loved her. He hasn’t quite come to terms with that, with all that happened, but there’s already enough to this story that makes it hard for him to talk about.

Shepard sees the way he holds back, the sadness in his eyes. Kaidan sees the way hers fixate on him, the way her features soften as he speaks.

“She was smart, and charming as hell,” Kaidan describes, speaking again of Rahna. “Beautiful, but not stuck up about it. Like _you,_ I guess…Commander.”

Neither of them are sure he’d meant to take that leap just yet. Both of them are glad he did.

When pressed, he admits that Rahna was special to him. Given the comparison he’d just made, the implications of what this means for Shepard are clear.

There are still regs, a fact of which they both have to remind themselves with increasing frequency, but that hasn’t stood in the way so far and it doesn’t look like it’s going to start.

This is becoming real. In its own right already, this is very real.

Neither of them have yet completely accepted it, neither of them are yet willing to think too hard on it, but it’s real.

Whether they are ready to admit it or not.

***

“You sure you’re okay, Commander?” Kaidan asks after she instructs Joker to set them on a course for Ontarom. They’ve just left the Citadel and that was…rough, to say the least.

“Yeah,” Shepard tries. It’s hard to hold her guard up this time, though.

Kaidan doesn’t expect her to talk about it and he doesn’t expect to understand. He just wants to _be there_ for her, though, in a way he is not quite sure how to tell her. They’re friends, he thinks it’s okay to say that for sure, but he’s still afraid to push the envelope.

Shepard can clearly see that her half-assed response hasn’t convinced him in the slightest, and she is surprised that she doesn’t really care much that he knows she’s not okay. Maybe she can handle Kaidan knowing such things.

Shepard hadn’t known Talitha on Mindoir, at least not as far as she can recall, but this meeting had certainly shaken her. She only hopes that Talitha will be alright, or as alright as she ever can be, but Kaidan is affected in his own way, as well.

He’s worried for Shepard, sure, but there’s something else, something about the way he looked at Talitha, too.

That big heart of his…Shepard is certain it’s going to be the end of her.

“Are you sure we should be following up on _this_ so soon?” He asks, aware of the fact that these scientists they’re to be investigating apparently have some connection to what Shepard went through on Akuze. He is worried about her, but he wasn’t given permission to speak freely and he immediately averts his eyes. “Sorry, uh, not to question your judgment, ma’am.”

It’s almost cute when he still tries to pretend he's only a subordinate.

He’s serious to a point, and he genuinely doesn’t wish to contradict his commanding officer, but at the same time, he can see she finds it endearing on a very different level whenever he backtracks like this. Which he’s fine with, since he’s going to continue doing it, anyway.

“What’s the worst that can happen?” Shepard shrugs. She didn’t think about it at the time, but she probably subconsciously did this on purpose. Running straight from an unexpected reminder of Mindoir to deliberately following up with something that might be tied to Akuze?

Yeah, that sounds like her.

“It’s fine, _Kaidan,”_ she tells him gently, intentionally stressing his first name and hoping he’ll take the hint.

He catches it, alright, but he isn’t sure where to go from there. Obviously it’s not fine, he can see that from a mile away, just as clearly as he can see the walls of protocol between them rapidly collapsing, but he remains afraid to cross boundaries. She’s pulling him in and pushing him out in the same sentence, and he’s not sure she realizes it.

Of course it’s not alright, but she’s hoping that maybe if she can convince him, she can convince herself in the process. She feels better knowing he’ll be there, though, whatever they discover.

And hours later, he feels a little bit better knowing he was with her, despite how much it also eats away at him that he doesn’t know how to help.

He knows he’s just watched her actively push down years of emotional turmoil, and it physically pains him to think of how much else she’s done that with.

He’s glad she shot the bastard, and that they’re going to try to get help for that poor corporal, but he wants more.

He wants to hold her and tell her…

He’s not sure what he wants to tell her, not sure what there is to say.

But he really wants to hold her, to comfort her, keep her close, take her in, kiss her…

Shit. This is real.

***

“Scuttlebutt has it that you’ve got a crush,” Ashley teases Kaidan. They’re relaxing together in the crew quarters, as they often do. Shepard joins them fairly frequently, as well, but this time it’s just the two of them.

“Who the hell is spreading _that?”_ He retorts. He’s not sure he’s going to deny it, though. He’s not sure there’s a point.

“Oh, so you _do,”_ she laughs, and she laughs harder yet at the glower Kaidan offers in response. “Ah come on, LT, I’m the oldest of four, remember? Figured now I get _my_ turn to be the annoying younger sister.”

That feels right, though. It feels really, really right.

This is not the crew he’d ever expected to join, but it’s _exactly_ where he belongs.

“Yeah, well,” he smiles. He’s not sure he’s ever fit in like this anywhere before.

It feels so right.

“She likes you, too, you know,” Ashley chuckles.

Kaidan doesn’t say anything and he hopes he doesn’t look too uncomfortable. He’s still a little embarrassed by how obvious all this is, sure, but he also likes this dynamic. He never had any siblings, himself, and he’s genuinely enjoying that he gets to now.

“Hey, Kaidan,” Ashley smirks. “Remember that time on the Citadel when we helped out that asari Consort?”

He definitely does remember Sha’ira, yes, and he knows damn well what Ashley is getting at.

“No,” he answers quickly, although he knows there’s no way she’s letting this go.

“Ah come on,” she grins deviously. “Remember when we had to sit out in the waiting area while they followed up on that _advice?”_

“Nope,” he answers quickly again. He can feel himself smiling, though, for as much as a part of him wishes he could shut that down.

“Yeah, okay,” Ashley teases. “So you mean you also never think about how you _know_ the Commander’s a screamer?”

“No, never,” he laughs a little. “No idea what you mean, Ash.”

Oh god, though, how he does.

“Mmhm,” Ashley smirks.

Sure, he wasn’t trying _that_ hard to hide this time, but she’d have seen right through him, anyway, just as she does now. That’s okay, though.

It’s an interesting ride, serving on the Normandy with this crew, with how unconventional they are and how quickly they’ve become more akin to family as opposed to colleagues.

That’d be Shepard’s influence, he’s certain.

There really is something extraordinary about her, but even just being here with Ashley, bullshitting together like brother and sister—this is good.

He likes this.

He’s also undeniably relieved when Ashley drops the subject, despite his burning desire to ask her what makes _her_ say Shepard likes him, too.

***

“Got a moment to talk, one on one?” Shepard asks Ashley by the armory.

“Sure, Skipper, I can take some downtime,” Ashley nods. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, really,” Shepard says casually. “Haven’t had a moment to catch up in a bit, is all.”

They’ve just left Noveria and things had gotten very…interesting, to say the least. So a moment between friends feels well-deserved.

“Alright,” Ashley smiles. “Sounds good. Want a drink?”

“Hell yeah, I do,” Shepard answers.

They head off to an empty corner around the crew quarters. Kaidan is nowhere to be seen, though.

“How’s your family, Ash?” Shepard asks.

“Doing pretty well,” Ashley replies. “Sisters keeping out of trouble. Sar keeps asking about Alenko, though.”

Ashley laughs as she narrows her eyes at Shepard, clearly anticipating a reaction.

“Speaking of needing to keep younger sisters out of trouble…” Shepard chuckles, and she knows she gets her meaning across.

She’s not sure she’s ever been part of a crew anything like this, but it’s good. It’s damn good.

She’s always wanted a family.

“You know it’s all out of love, Shepard,” Ashley says sincerely, and Shepard does know.

She finds it interesting that half the time she doesn’t get “Commander” anymore, just “Shepard,” but that no one’s tested the boundaries of informality enough to use her first name, not even Garrus, Tali, Wrex, or Liara.

In a way, though, she’s actually okay with that. She’s the only Shepard of her line left, of course, and in general she’s grown to prefer answering to her surname, anyway.

With these people, though, she’d certainly be open to changing that. Because they’re family, too, now. They really have become family.

And she _really_ does not like the idea of keeping to that level of professionalism with Kaidan in particular.

“So,” Ashley starts again, still smiling. “How _is_ it going with you and Alenko?”

“Ash,” Shepard sighs, “I’m his commanding officer, you _know_ how it’s going. It isn’t.”

“You’re _my_ commanding officer, too, and that’s not stopping any of this,” Ashley laughs and finally starts pouring those drinks. “And don’t tell me nothing’s happening between you two, in any case. Maybe you haven’t acted on anything, but it _is_ going. Can’t you play the Spectre card or something?”

Shepard accepts a glass from Ashley and shakes her head. “Hadn’t thought of that one, Chief, but…I doubt ‘breaching protocol to bang your subordinates’ is _quite_ within the realm of what Spectre authority is intended for.”

“You’ll never know unless you try,” Ashley teases. “Honestly, though, Shepard…that’s not _really_ all it is, come on.”

“No,” Shepard admits. “No, it isn’t. I care about him, Ash. I know it could get us both into a world of trouble, but…fuck…”

“Oh shit,” Ashley says and sets down her glass. Her eyes widen and she looks directly into Shepard’s. “You _love_ him, don’t you?”

“Fuck,” Shepard whispers. She does, she knows she does, but this is the first time she’s confronted it, the first time she hasn’t been able to suppress it before she could attach the words to it.

“Shepard…”

_“Ash,_ ” Shepard says sternly. “Please…fuck, _please_ tell me this is between us.”

“Of course it is,” Ashley replies hastily. “You know you can trust me, Skipper.”

“I know,” Shepard nods. “Has anyone else…”

She’s not sure what she wants to know. A part of her absolutely does want to ask if Ashley’s talked to Kaidan so candidly about this, if she knows anything about his end for a fact, but she won’t. She can’t expect Ashley to keep her feelings secret while simultaneously asking her to divulge his.

“Your secret’s safe with me,” is all Ashley tells her.

“Umm, thanks,” Shepard replies awkwardly. She finishes her drink and shifts her eyes around. Kaidan, thankfully, has not yet appeared anywhere nearby.

“Just name one of your kids after me or something,” Ashley smiles, and Shepard can’t help but laugh.

***

“Stay alive,” Shepard demands before making her way back down to the bomb site. “I’m coming to get you, too, Ash.”

“I think we both know that’s not gonna happen,” Ashley answers quickly. “You made the right choice. It’s been an honor.”

“No,” Shepard retorts. She’s not sure if the comm link is still open, if Ashley can hear her, but she says it, anyway. “Dammit, Ash, I…”

“We need to move, Commander,” Garrus calls to her, and she knows he’s right. That bomb’s going off sooner than any of them are apparently ready for.

So she’ll get to Kaidan, and then they’ll swing by the AA towers on their way out to grab Ashley on the escape. No big deal, they can pull this off.

No one questions why she goes back for Kaidan first, though. She’s sure by now that no one has to. She knows she and Kaidan themselves are the only ones who are still putting forth any effort to make this less than it is, and even they’re getting _very_ bad at trying.

Shepard knows what she has to do right now, though, and that’s what she focuses on. She can save them both, she can get them all out of there. She just needs to keep telling herself that she can.

Except that she can’t.

Saren attacks and everything is already so far gone to shit even before his appearance that there was no way this was ever going to work. It was hard enough getting Kaidan alone out in time. She could never have saved Ashley, too.

And now they have to live with this.

“Why me?” Kaidan asks during debriefing. “Why not her?”

He knows why, both he and Shepard _know_ that he knows why…and now they both have to live with this.

“I’m sorry, Kaidan,” Shepard says, anyway. “I’d never leave you behind. I couldn’t. You know that.”

“I know,” he says solemnly. “And I am grateful, but…Ash died because of _me._ Because of us.”

It’s like they’ve both forgotten that the whole rest of the crew (or what’s left of it) is present.

In this little moment, they almost have.

Shepard snaps that neither she nor Kaidan are to blame, and it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t actually believe herself about her own irreproachability.

The fact remains that if saving Kaidan meant leaving Ashley behind, then it stands to reason that the reverse would also be true, and that a valuable marine was lost in either case.

This and only this is why she does not worry about the remainder of their squad calling her out for what happened on Virmire. In fact, if anything, Kaidan was _tactically_ the right choice, and Ashley knew that, too. Yes, Ashley was an exceptional soldier, but Kaidan’s biotics are nearly as strong as a fucking asari’s, _and_ he’s skilled in tech, _and_ he’s their damn field medic. When reducing this choice solely to numbers…

That doesn’t make her feel any better. Not one fucking bit. So she’ll have to lay it over her shoulders with everything else, and hope the guilt that lingers over how warm she feels whenever Kaidan looks at her will eventually begin to subside.

***

Udina is a worthless piece of shit and the Council won’t listen, therefore the Normandy has been grounded.

Shepard is understandably distraught, and Kaidan wants to help her however he can.

Neither of them are sure protocol means much of anything anymore. They both know what’s happening, they both know what this is. They only need to put the words to it before they can put it into action. That’s the only thing that’s missing.

He finds her by her locker, where she sits herself on the floor and exasperatedly leans into it, to look up to him. He tries to reassure her, to be optimistic about appeals. She quickly retorts that of course she’s tried, and she worries she may have been a bit short with him but he does not back off.

She tries to reassure him in return, then, when that little black cloud of his appears over his head. He’s nervous, too, of course he is, and now more than ever, they really need each other.

They are quite the pair.

“I need a shoulder,” she tells him when he suggests that anyone on this crew will stand with her. She doesn’t need them, she needs _him._ Even more, she needs him to understand.

Protocol doesn’t fucking matter anymore. The Council has them pinned and any official channels for Alliance backing are closed.

They’re on their own, and that leaves her more than willing to let breaking certain regs slide.

“I guess we have some downtime now to figure out what we are,” he tells her at long last, and it feels damn good to hear it.

It feels damn good to say it, too. With so much happening and so much at stake, he is terrified. He’s terrified of the Reapers, of Saren, of what’s to come—and of what it will mean if shit hits the fan and they never acknowledged what’s between them.

He extends his hand to help her up, and she takes it. The tension is palpable, both of them certain that this is _it._

She gets to her feet and moves right into him, and they swiftly lean into each other. They remain nervously tentative, but they both know the time for hesitation is long over.

They decide as one to go for it, their eyes close as their lips draw closer, finally—

“Sorry to interrupt, Commander,” Joker cuts in.

_Fuck._

She doesn’t want to go, not when they’re so close. Kaidan won’t let that stand, though, he won’t let her do anything that could affect their mission on his account, and of course he’s right. So he urges and she goes, but neither of them want her to.

***

“Kaidan, you stopped being a subordinate a long time ago,” Shepard says longingly. “Don’t you think it’s time to act like it?”

“Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shepard,” he says anxiously. He’s in her cabin and they know what’s coming, why he’s here, but even now he’s so afraid to move forward.

She, on the other hand, cannot fucking take it anymore.

After all, they’ve officially mutinied and stolen the Normandy. They’re all fucked now. Protocol doesn’t mean a goddamn thing.

And it’s no time for games.

“Kaidan,” she sighs. “This was _never_ just ‘battlefield flirting,’ not for me.”

He smiles openly at that. He can’t stop himself. “Shepard—”

“Carrie,” she corrects him. She still likes being regularly referred to by her surname, yes, but it is _far_ too formal with him now.

“Carrie,” he says, testing it out. He likes it. It feels right. “I think about losing you and I can’t stand it…”

This is right. This feels right.

“You and I,” he says more firmly. _“We_ are important right now. This is what will never happen again. _Us.”_

He’s right, and they both know it. Everything will keep going, everything will keep moving without them except for…them. They _need_ each other, they can’t deny that any longer. They need _this._

Fuck protocol. This is what matters now.

_They_ are what matters.

“Carrie, you make me feel…human.”

She stares into his eyes, sees his lingering fear coupled with his sudden determination.

This is right, this is it. Finally.

“Bunk here tonight, Kaidan. With me.”

The air all around them is thick and both of them are so worried, but they each _know_ there’s no reason they should be, not about _this._

They both _know_ precisely what this is, with no doubt between either of them that the other wants it just as badly as they each do.

And then it hits.

She grabs him, pulls him in close and when their mouths meet, it is exactly how they’d both imagined it. It is _perfect._

_Finally._

He lifts her up in the heat of it, grips her tight, and she breaks away just long enough…

“Kaidan, fuck, I…I love you,” she says quietly through rattled breath. Maybe one day she’ll even tell him about the first time she truly realized it.

“I love you, too, Carrie,” he replies easily, adding the softest emphasis to her first name.

This is all so right.

His hold tightens, he never wants to let her go.

This is simultaneously a comfort and a reckoning for the both of them—almost a _redemption,_ as though this moment is precisely why they’ve each gone through everything they have that’s led them to this point. And that only makes it feel that much more certain that together, they can take on the fucking universe.

They have one hell of a ride in front of them, they know, but they can have this. They can have each other, dammit. They get to have _this._

No words left unsaid, no action left untaken.

Finally. _Finally._


End file.
